Thanks Patience (my niece, not the virtue)

Last week, I was feeling angry.  My anger was not directed at any person, really...just  circumstances in general.  But, the resentement overflowed when I received what was meant to be encouraging words about my fitness goals.  The words were..."You just have to want it."  And it made me angry, because I don't think anyone could want it anymore than I do.  But, it mainly made me angry, because I am so overwhelmed with life.

So, I vented this all to Patience, and she reminded me of this: When I first decided to start exercising again, I told myself that I was only going to do three days a week...so as not to overburden myself, in my already cumbersome schedule.  Fitness was going to have to be an outlet for me......a way to give a gift back to myself. And I knew this going in...but , I got excited...lost some weight and started setting bigger more unreasonable goals. 

And Patience reminded me that I am working my self to death...that I have to have balance...and that balance may include three days of exercise and on the other end of the scale some emotional eating and downtime. 

So, thank you Patience for reminding me to cut myself some slack...for reminding me of my original goals....and for never judging me.

Hurts so good...(like John Don't Call Me Cougar Mellencamp)

Anna worked my booty out yesterday.  So today, when I had to squat down to tie yet another shoe at work, I moaned and groaned as my legs tightened and burned.  But, oh how I love to exercise. 

When I arrived at the gym yesterday, I was tired, grumpy, and reluctant to get going.  My glands were swollen,  had a throbbing fever blister, and was self-concious of my glaring white legs (and the jelly on the backs and fronts of my thighs). 

But, after jumping jacks, squats, and jumping rope...I began to get a little looser and felt the tension begin to ease.  I was very distracted by what was going on with my children (worried about them in the childcare room)...but, I still felt the endorphin rush brought-on by my raised heart rate. 

This working-out thing is for me.  Because I so enjoy it.  My question is: If I love it so much, why is it a struggle to get going the next day?  Why do I have to talk myself into it so often?  Why don't I feel just as excited to walk into the gym as I feel to walk into the Peach Pit for a double order of corn nuggets (mana from heaven)?

Monday, Monday (like the Mamas and the Papas)

Feeling like taking names and kicking butts. 
Leading five awesome Waresboro fifth graders to the Battle of the Books tonight!  And there will be hotdogs, chips, and cokes....but, ALAS, I will eat supper at 3:30 before I go to the competition (from 4 to 7).  Then I will come home and have a nice bowl of fruit (golden delicious apples and strawberries) before bed. 
And I will Spark! 

Corn Nuggets

Corn Nuggets...how do I love thee, let me count the ways.

But, you don't love me back.  You give me dimples in all the wrong places.

It's a New Day

Thanks for all the positive feedback.  I think the main message from yall, is that today is a new day. And I truly do believe in that.  Patience and I have talked so many times about the ups and downs of the journey towards healthy living, and we both agree in the end that no matter what, we will never give-up. 

What I have come to see through my life and the many people I have been friends and coworkers with, is that when it comes to fitness and health, we are all so very different.  HOWEVER...there is one theme that is undeniable, and makes me so aware that everything we read in books and magazines, and what we watch on television, about healthy living is TRUE.  My friends that are fit and healthy lead  healthy lifestyles.  Being thin, looking good,  and possessing a strong self-image is never an accident.  These friends of mine do all those things well that I struggle with....drink a lot of water, make good food choices, refrain from emotional eating, are cognizant of their bodies' need for sleep/rest, and do not overload themselves with stressful comittments. [ This is not to say they don't have their own ups and downs with fitness and exercise, but they work everyday to conquer those hurdles].

So, I don't go around hating folks that look great.  I do not say: She has a fast metabolism; She has more time than me to focus on her health; She starves herself; She has good genes; I was never meant to be that thin;  If I could afford a personal trainer I could be thin; If I had enough money to buy fancy food I could be thin.........all of these are excuses...excuses that I hear all of the time.  And we ALL know they are excuses. 

What it all comes down to is me: me and the choices I make.  And the fact of the matter is, sometimes I make bad choices.  And that's o.k.  But, I have to own that, and not blame it on anything.  So, I don't. 

I make great choices sometimes and brag about them and feel good.  I make bad choices sometimes and confess them and still feel pretty good.  All because I have family and friends that love me, and that I love back so much!

Giving-in Ain't All That Good

This weekend, I gave in to all my cravings and desires.  It had been a tough week, I deserved it! (right?)

So, I didn't cook.  We ate-out...a bunch...a bunch of bad places....a bunch of bad places I love. Can you say sweet tea? buffalo tenders? fries? corn nuggets? home fries? pancakes? regular Dr. Pepper? 

At home, I ate some more....break-and-bake chocolate chip cookies, Chester's Hot Fries, fudge ice cream bars, Butterfinger, Cap' Peanut Butter Crunch, .....sweet tea.

I was lazy.  No exercise....washed the laundry, but didn't bother folding it and putting it away.  Read a whole book.  Watched a lot of t.v.... a lot of nothing... a lot of why do I waste my time watching this crap.

What was I feeling as went through the weekend? Giving-in ain't making me feel all that good. 

All is well (enough)

Last week went very well as far as exercise goes.  I had three sessions with Anna and then worked-out alone on Saturday morning.  But, I have not been logging my calories.  The reason I have not been logging my calories, is because I didn't want to have to acknowledge my poor choices and excuses. 

So, my girl Anna has figured me out and is holding me over the flame.  Monday she left my abs screaming after a core work-out, then I ran with her running class...12 min run/1min walk/12min run/1 min walk...and another awesome stretching session.  I cancelled with her yesterday, because of scheduling conflicts...but she didn't let me off the hook.  She sent me some straight-forward, but encouraging texts:
Anna: "Got your message.  Hate that you couldn't make it. I will see you Thursday at 4:30.  Have a good night. Hope to see you tomorrow [cardio ball class]."
Anna: "Please bring me a copy of your three-day diary on Thursday for Monday-Wednesday"
Heather: "Yes Mam"
Heather: "Thank you for staying on me."
Anna: "You better believe it."
Anna: "By the way, never give up on yourself...always believe you can do more than what you are doing now.  Then, we will both succeed!"
Heather: "I believe...I promise...just get distracted"
Anna: "No worries...really...you have goals..we now conquer them"

But here is the thing...I don't know if I really believe that I can lose  this weight, because I just do not stick to the food guidelines that I set for myself.  I do fine for awhile then it is like I just do not do it. Am I just a spoiled brat, unwilling to deprive myself of what I want?  Or is there some kind of chemical in my body driving me to eat too much or things I have said that I wouldn't. Because when I am not following my food goals, I have these obsessive crazy person conversations in my head like...
"I want a Star Crunch.  No, I don't need it.  It will look bad in my food diary. I will be letting myself down.  But I have to have it.  No, it will make me feel guilty.  But, nothing else will do. I have to eat it.  I have to have it now.  I don't even care.  I just won't even journal for today.  I will eat the Star Crunch.  I will eat two Star Crunches.  I will eat three Star Crunches.  Since I am not journaling it anyway today, I will just eat as many as a I want, and eat really well tomorrow.  I will lay in the bed with a good book, eat Star Crunches, and it will make me feel relaxed and satisfied. Tomorrow I will not eat any more Star Crunches, because they will be all gone.  I will have eaten them all!"

No joke. This is the mind of a food addict.